It
may be a surprise to some that the old adage “spare the rod, spoil the child”
is not in the scriptures. It is actually part of a poem from the 17th
century by a man named Samuel Butler, called Hudibras:
“If matrimony and hanging go
By dest'ny, why not whipping too?
What med'cine else can cure the fits
Of lovers when they lose their wits?
Love is a boy by poets stil'd
Then spare the rod and spoil the child.”
(Part II, Canto I, ll. 839-44).
However
the Hebrew Scriptures (especially proverbs) do equate discipline with “rod” on
multiple occasions: “On the lips of the discerning, wisdom is found, But a rod
is for the back of him who lacks understanding” Prov. 10:13; “Whoever
spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to
discipline him” Prov. 13:24; “In
the speech of a fool is a rod for his back, but the words of the wise protect
them” Prov. 14:3.
Contrary
to some child rearing books and opinions of “authorities” on the subject, there
is more here than mere disobedience = beating. The Hebrew word is shebet,
and it is used multiple ways.
1) It
is used as a scepter in the hand of a king (representing authority in
leadership: Gen. 49:10; Num. 24:17; Ezek. 19:14; Amos 1:5, 8; Mic. 7:14; Zech.
10:11), as seen in the Messianic chapter 2:9 (cf. 45:6) of Psalms where of the “anointed
son” it is proclaimed, “You shall break
them with a rod of iron, You shall shatter
them like earthenware.”
2) It
is also used in passages (like the proverbs) such as Job 37:13 (cf. Job 9:34;
21:9) where it is variously translated as “rod”, “correction”, “punish”, “punishment”
or “scourge”: “Whether for correction, or
for His world, Or for lovingkindness, He causes it to happen” and 2 Sam
7:13-14 when God says of Solomon, “He
shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom
forever. I will be a father to him and he will be a son to Me; when he commits iniquity,
I will correct him with the rod of
men and the strokes of the sons of men” (cf. Lam. 3:1).
3) It
is also used of punishment for the people of Israel as a whole when departing
from God’s statutes, “If they violate My
statutes And do not keep My commandments, Then I will punish their
transgression with the rod And their
iniquity with stripes. But I will not break off My lovingkindness from him, Nor
deal falsely in My faithfulness. My covenant I will not violate, Nor will I
alter the utterance of My lips” Psa. 89:31-34. God is leading them
along, and the result is not breaking the deal, but using his rod as a tool for
guidance (His hand of correction is also upon other nations - Isa. 10:5; 11:4;
30:31; Ezek. 20:37).
4) This
word is also used as a weapon for brutality as seen in Egypt where the staff of Pharaoh
(representing his divine authority and right of rule) was brutal against all
who opposed him. “Therefore thus says the
Lord GOD of hosts, "O My people who dwell in Zion, do not fear the
Assyrian who strikes you with the rod and lifts up his staff against you, the
way Egypt did” Isa. 10:24 (Ex. 21:20; Isa. 14:5-6, 29; Mic. 5:1).
It
is just as important to stress the other side of “rod” as well. In Ps. 23 we
find the writer saying, “your rod and staff comfort me”. Rod here
is the same word, but as the secure and trusted shepherd’s staff (which is also
a symbol of authority, guidance and leadership), it communicates a leadership
which is both comforting and reassuring of the shepherds goodness to the
writer.
In
the multiple uses of this word, there is no sense of a command saying: “thou
shalt beat and whip thy children lest thou burn in the fiery chasm of hell.”
Rather, it is general wisdom that a child must be guided and led in a direction
that will save him from his undoing. That is just it, the stress is not about “beating”
but leadership and directing. These are Proverbs, timeless bits of wisdom, not
promises or God-given commandments.
To
illustrate this further, consider this other Proverb: “Do not withhold
discipline from a child; even if you strike him with the rod, he will
not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will deliver him from death”
Prov. 23:13-14 (cf. Prov. 26:3; 29:15). “You will deliver him from
death”. What does this mean? Is the author speaking in terms of
spirituality, i.e. that he will love God and then be “saved” rather than suffer
spiritual destruction and death in hell? Not likely, because at the time this
was written, such ideas as “hell” and “spiritual life” did not exist in the
same way we have been accustomed to think. It actually is far more practical
than that. It has to do with much simpler obedience, coming from the Torah: “If
a person has a stubborn, rebellious son who pays no attention to his father or
mother, and they discipline him to no avail, his father and mother must seize
him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his city. They must declare to
the elders of his city, ‘Our son is stubborn and rebellious and pays no
attention to what we say– he is a glutton and drunkard.’ Then all the men of
his city must stone him to death. In this way you will purge out wickedness
from among you, and all Israel will hear about it and be afraid”
Deut. 21:18-21.
A
rebellious son, who was unable to be controlled by his parents was “cut off”
(from the land of the living). There is
no question historically speaking that discipline has more than not involved
use of the “rod”. To say this is a biblical mandate is (in my opinion) to
stretch what is actually being stated. The rod is more about directing
and leadership than “punishment”. And as a symbol of leadership and authority, it
is not always a comforting and pleasant experience (e.g. Israel experienced the
gentle, reassuring and even comforting rod/scepter of God when following in His
ways, but experienced that same symbol of leadership in a foul and painful
manner when departing from His rule). Punishment is a tool utilized in leading
and directing for betterment, not abuse. Shepherding is a good analogy. Sheep
are never beaten, but led. Do we desire to “drive” our children, or lead them? What
are our motives in the manner? Are we authoritarians who love to reign with a
powerful right arm and in strong dominance because we rule by “divine right”,
or do we lead by example and serve with humility? Are there times for physical
implementations? Yes, I believe so. Is it the answer for every child in every
situation, no. Systematization can fail when mercy is appropriate. Every child is
different, and there are times when mercy will speak, guide and lead the heart
of a child far more than the “woodshed”. Breaking a heart is far more deadly to
the growth of a child than breaking their booty. Perhaps too many have been
schooled in the philosophy of “I have to whip them because the Bible says so.” This
approach is not only a pitiful relationship to the Scriptures, but also does a disservice
to our children and should not be like this.
The
proverb “train-up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he
will not depart from it”, is perhaps the most cited verse in child rearing,
but probably the most misunderstood, misinterpreted and misapplied. “Train up”, is the Hebrew hanakh, which means “to dedicate” or
“consecrate.” “In the way he should go” is quite literally “in
accordance with his/her way”, or “in his/her own way.”
I
have heard it used more often than not that “there is only one way for a child
to go, so we as parents must force them to conform into that mold by whatever means
necessary to that end.” We tend towards wanting to make this about stuffing
them full of “God” so that maybe, probably they will stick with it and then go
to “heaven.” Again, this later “spiritualized” concept is not what is being
communicated here. What has happened (and is indeed still happening en masse) in many situations is parents
are destroying their children and giving them a foul taste of what the God of
Israel is like, so much so that many are throwing it all off as soon as they have
the chance to do so. What this passage communicates is that each child literally
has his or her own “way” or “manner”. They have God given characteristics and
strengths. We as parents need to help them in that area, push them in the
direction that we see God taking them. We are sculptures in some senses,
helping mold these malleable little lumps of clay into vessels of honor, fit
for service of the Most High. This does not happen through systematized parenting,
but relational parenting.
Children
are not robots, there is not a one size fits all guidebook that tells you
A+B=C, you are going to have to study each one and find their way. Children are intelligent little creatures; they can spot
a hypocrite a mile away. As a youngster I remember knowing who the genuine
adults were. It formed my opinions of them (and those like them) right into my
adulthood. Children (especially our own) know if we are the real deal or not.
There is a rabbinical saying, “the key to disciple making is not to proclaim
the message, but to be the message…” We need to teach our children verbally,
instruct them in the ways of the Lord, but if we are not being what we are
saying, we are speaking louder with our actions than with our words, and they
are the first ones to pick it up. When we start to see patterns in our children
that we feel are uncomely or unbefitting, we don’t have to search far to find
out the origin of those traits. There is no doubt, the biggest teaching happens
non-verbally with what we do and more importantly who we are, but that does not
start with the rod of men, that starts with the rod, rule and scepter of God.
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